well...it Depends.

Pregnancy is a beautiful, incredible blessing.  It's important to always remember that not every one gets the privilege of experiencing it.  Some don't want to (which is perfectly fine) while others simply cannot, despite trying.

Some people in the world don't think that miracles exist.

I'm thinking, regardless of different faiths and beliefs, HOW could one NOT believe that they exist.  Even if you put aside some of the other amazing miracles that I believe happen on the daily, I just think of the billions of women, starting with Eve, that have given the gift of life.  That's enough to remind me that miracles still exist to this day.

Riding around Queenstown, NZ, 2 days before the big news!

Even before I became pregnant, I thought it was just the most amazing thing to see a beautiful pregnant woman with a large baby belly.  I would find myself staring in amazement, almost a little embarrassed.  Like, is there an alien in there?  Could there really be a little human growing inside of her?  Is it squishy?  I wonder if she can feel the baby?  I wonder what it must feel like?

At the Ice Bar, 1 day before the big news.  I had a virgin bloody mary in every single bar we went to!

I flash back to a part in the first Men In Black movie where a woman gives birth on the side of the road...to an alien squid creature thing.  Remember that?  It always kind of freaked me out a little...but then intrigued me at the same time.

As soon as I met Brent, I fell in love with him so quickly.  Before I knew it, I was envisioning having his baby.  After we got married, he admitted to feeling the exact same way about me!

Of course, they had special fireworks JUST for us on New Years Eve! :D *4 weeks & 2 days*

*8 weeks & 1 day* Our first wee Kiwi baby ultrasound! 

Ok so this might weird you out even more...but here's another confession. Sometimes, when I ate a lot (usually Mexican, those dang chips and salsa get me every time!), I would pretend like I was pregnant and stick my belly out as far as I could just to see what it would feel/look like.  Granted, it was only a food baby.  But still.

I look at this & laugh because I thought I was so big, surely everyone could tell I was pregnant!

Did anyone else do this?  I'm totally ok with being the only crazy one by the way.

So anyways, let me get right to the point.  Some people make this blessing look strikingly easy.  At least that's what I thought from afar since I have never really been around a pregnant woman for an extended period of time.

You just grow a baby for 9 months, you look fabulous the entire time, time seems to fly by, before you know it you pop that baby right out, your body goes back to looking exactly the way it did before you became pregnant, the baby coo's and is always cute, and every one lives happily ever after.  Right?

I ordered my birthing kit the other day which is what inspired this post.  Here are some of the items that were included in the kit:

-Basic Underpads
-Deluxe Underpads
-Large Protection Plus Classic Underwear
-Enema

Needless to say, I freaked out.  Just a little.

Large Protection Plus Classic Underwear is just a nice way of saying, get you some Depends!  I mean, apparently, the baby isn't the only one that will need diapers!

Enema?!  I guess pooping hasn't exactly been on the top list of my priorities lately...

The underpads are for when you are laboring and don't want to leak amniotic fluid everywhere that you sit or lay.  Think of them as puppy potty training pads (actually I think that's exactly what they are).

*sigh*  You know, at the end of the day, none of this really matters.  Our bodies are doing something so incredibly amazing that all of the gross stuff that comes with it will seem so petty.

However, I do think that it's important that you have an honest, transparent view of some of the things that come along with this miracle.

You might pee yourself a little.  Brent laughs every time I sneeze, because quite frankly, I could have probably used a supply of Depends starting about..7 months ago.

Some women don't get stretch marks, while other women (like myself) still get them despite slathering themselves with oil all day and night.  You just can't escape the power of genetics.  Tiger stripes.  They scream "I grew a baby y'all!" and I shall wear them proudly.

Some women may gain exactly between the 25-35 pounds that the textbooks seem to find appropriate, while other women (again, like myself) may gain 43 pounds and counting.  Are you eating healthy most of the time?  Are you exercising and staying active?  If yes, then that number is just a number.  Move on.

Your uterus can take up to 6 weeks and beyond to fully retract to its original size.  Meaning, some women actually do go back to their previous size almost instantaneously, while most women do not. This is why I love Kate Middleton so much.  She wore her post-baby belly so beautifully.

{Photo courtesy@thehollywoodgossip.com}

Doesn't she look radiant?!  And I read she had an all natural birth. 

The greatest thing for me throughout my pregnancy has been the unconditional love and support of my amazing husband.  It has brought us closer in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  When I tell him about my fears and concerns, which are mainly focused on my own body image as I wrote about in this post, he tells me how beautiful I am and how much more he loves me every day for carrying our daughter so gracefully and bringing her into the world soon.

I am so thankful that we communicate about everything, including the potential use of Depends post-birth.  At least I won't have to get up to pee so many times throughout the night! :)

Happy living y'all! 

So here's the thing..

..I have my whole post-pregnancy work out/eating routine planned out.  I'm like...bring on the B.O.B. jogging stroller, walks to the beach, swimming, yoga with baby, breast-feeding marathons, and everything else that helps you lose the baby pounds.

But right now, I'm honestly lucky if I have the energy to turn the page of the child-birthing book that I'm currently reading.

I am so tired all the time.  Someone please help me.

Ari's blanket that I'm already using...

Sometimes, I get so hungry that it hurts to even eat.  Sometimes, all I want to eat are pickles.  

 Sometimes, I don't want anything to do with food.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I don't think that I look that big.  Then Brent took this photo of me and I literally gasped out loud!  Is that really me?!

           

28 weeks pregnant

Someone asked me if I was having twins.  When I said no, she asked if I was sure.

OF COURSE I'M SURE. 

29 weeks pregnant

I think.

I'll be honest and say that it made me feel really self-concious.  Already, my body is going through all these changes, my hormones are raging, I'm heavier than I have ever been in my life, and the last thing I want to hear is what a man trying to be nice said to me in the elevator, "so you must be due any day now huh?"  Bless his heart.

No.  I'm not due any day now.  I still have about 2 months to go.  Oh.  Awkward moment.  Ding.  Elevator door opens.  Not sure if this is my floor but I'm getting out anyway.  Yeah.

I've always been a huge fitness junkie.  But it all started for the wrong reasons.  I began to run when I was 13 years old because I was overweight, had low self-esteem, and had a lot of issues with my body image.  Over time though, (a period of 8 or so years), I realized that it was more important to be healthy and fit for myself, and not for anyone else.  This mind set turned my whole life around.  I became the healthiest mentally and physically than I had ever been.

My midwife is really supportive and said that as long as I'm eating healthy and exercising, then the amount of weight I gain is not an issue at all.  I've been eating healthy and exercising regularly, but sometimes it's really hard for me to accept the weight gain.  Especially when the fatigue and swelling kicks in and I can't do anything about it.

This has honestly been the hardest part about pregnancy for me.  Especially since it's something that I've previously struggled with, I think those issues re-surface every now and again and I just can't stop myself from crying.  Thank goodness for my precious husband who is always so in tune with my emotions.

I don't fear going into labor, contractions, child-birthing, or any of those things.  But what I have realized I do fear is that my husband won't think I'm attractive if I gain too much weight.  I know it's silly, but it's really how I feel.  I told Brent this yesterday in between crying and laughing at the same time.  He was so confused bless his heart.  Holy Moly hormones are ridiculous.  This is what he tells me and has basically always told me:

You are beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines.  It's more than that.  You are beautiful, for the way you think.  You are beautiful, for that sparkle in your eyes when you talk about something you love.  You are beautiful, for your ability to make other people smile even if you are sad.  You are not beautiful for something as temporary as your looks.  It's more than that.  You are beautiful, deep down to your soul.

I know.  I love him too.

I feel the same way about him.  My McDreamy.

He's my treasure at the end of the rainbow

F.E.A.R. - False Evidence Appearing Real

F.A.I.T.H. - Full Assurance In The Heart

Daddy Issues

Today, Brent and I had a really important talk about his role during Ariella's birth.

One of the most amazing things about Brent and I's relationship is that we talk about stuff...a lot.  We talk about everything, including the things we want to talk about and the things we would rather not.  Well, we talk about them anyway.  We talk about our feelings, our fears, joys, love, life,  present, future, passions, goals, insecurities, hurts..our inner most secrets.  When we're alone together, we are either talking, reading, writing, or playing music.  Sometimes it even amazes me.  I'm like...is everyone like us?  Are we weird?  haha
Especially since we haven't been working and have spent almost every waking moment together for the past 7 months.  We are probably discussing something important to us for about 50-65% of our day spent together.

We never run out of stuff to talk about.

He's my best friend.  I love him so much for that.

Especially since I was a horrible communicator throughout most of my young life (I mean who wasn't?)
I was always afraid that I would end up being in a relationship where I would bottle up my feelings and then eventually, spontaneously explode.

I thank God for bringing Brent into my life, because as soon as I met him, I knew I wanted to talk to him for the rest of my life.

So anyway, I went off on a tangent there.
Back to my conversation with Brent about child-birth.  So I've been reading different books on natural birthing and watching documentaries and films on birthing so that I can become more familiar with it.  I am positive that a natural birth is what I want.  I am also keeping in mind to not have these huge expectations in case things change.  I have what I like to call, a "birth vision."  I know that I would prefer to be either at home or at a birth center, unless a hospital transfer is necessary for the baby's or my own safety of course.

While thinking about my birth vision lately, I realized that a pretty important component of the whole birthing experience is your spouse's involvement/encouragement.  What I also realized was that I think I just assumed that Brent knew that..  Like surely he would know what to do when it came time for it, right?

That was pretty ignorant on my part I must say.  I mean, why should he know that?  I realized that there are so many things that I know or seek to know because I'm the one with the baby kicking inside of me.  I know that Brent can try to understand and attempt to relate, but no matter what, he'll never truly understand what it's like to feel your baby kicking inside of you.  He sees my body change, my stomach stretch, my hair grow wild, my hormones rage, but he actually does not and cannot really feel or relate to any of it.

So why do I have this unrealistic expectation that he's just supposed to know what to do when it comes to me giving birth.

Heck, I don't even really know what to do!

I can imagine that for most men, reality probably kicks in when they actually see and get to hold the baby that they helped make.  I don't really think that it's the same for the women carrying and feeling this same baby for 9 months.  For me, I think reality hit when my stomach popped and I started looking pregnant.  Every morning, I was like whoa, there really is a baby in there!  Then it hit even more when she started kicking me.  It's freaking amazing, seriously.  A REAL LIVE miracle!

Ok, so back to daddy.  I guess I'm just a little upset at myself for not thinking that I should be coaching my wonderful husband on how to help me during a time where I will probably need him the most.  That's like setting him up for failure, right?
Maybe it's just me not accepting the fact that I will really need him.  Maybe I'm just more comfortable with him needing me.  In fact, that's how I thrive and it's something that I'm really good at.  I love to give him massages, head rubs, and back rubs.  I love to take care of him and do laundry, cook, and clean, and see him happy and comfortable.

Oh my goodness, I'm starting to sound like one of those "I need to be needed" cases...
A mild case maybe?
Lord help me.
Pregnancy has been a really huge learning experience for me.  Obviously.

When we talked about all this, Brent was like give me a list of things that I'm supposed to do.  On the spot, I could only come up with four.

1. Support me
2. Encourage me
3. Don't freak out on me (he can't stand to see me in pain and goes into this whole anxious energy rage haha)
4. Touch me (soothing massage, healing touch, and such)

If anyone has anything to add here, please feel free to comment and help me out :)

One of my really good friends brought up a conversation about something profound that I had never really considered before.  We discussed the curses that God imparted on Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden fruit.  For Adam (man-kind), the curse is job-oriented: he will struggle to work the land (have a job) and will be concerned about providing for his family (being successful).  Brent definitely has been struggling a little with this, especially since we are expecting a baby while living this gypsy life.  I always remind him to remember that we are staying true to our promise of following God's call, He is our ultimate provider and will never let us down.  He's always like "OOh yeah, duh, thanks for the reminder honey!" and we continue on with our daily activities.

Eve's curse is to bear the pain of child-birthing.

When God sent his only son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our past, present, and future sins, he also took away these curses.  So why do we still have these fears of not being able to fully provide for our family?  Why are we as women so deathly afraid of child birth?

As I'm writing this, I've decided to proclaim and declare that Jesus has taken away my labor pains.  I am going to enter this very exciting future experience with the most positive, fearless attitude that I can have.  I know I can do this.  I was made for this.  C'mon now ladies, get rid of that fear that was removed from our lives long ago.  Our culture is all that stands in our way, it wants us to be afraid and say that we can't do this.  I'm not having this "can't" attitude anymore.

I believe that our attitude determines our altitude.

Reality is believing.

I'm going to count on those four things that I told Brent to keep in mind while I'm in labor.  I have faith that he will be amazing, Ariella's birth will be beautiful, and I can do it.


"I CAN do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13

Dreaming with our eyes wide open

***Note: My last post from May 17th actually ended on a thought that I had about 1 week ago.  I started the post earlier and was under the false assumption that it would post it on that original date (rookie blogger).  Continue reading below for some pretty exciting news.***

As of about a week ago, we are OFFICIALLY moving to Hawaii! Brent got the job of his dreams, in one of the most beautiful places in the world, and will start on June 3rd.  That's about 16 days from now..and counting.

Fun, eh?  Told ya.

Now when I say officially, don't get all kray on me and think that we have this all planned out and have a house, car, furniture, birthing center, etc...

However, you can go ahead and get a little crazy because the company that Brent got the job through will set us up with a temporary hotel room/suite and rental car.  All the other details will get worked out, in due time.  Since we are indeed acquainted with living abroad, we are pretty much experts now on the art of moving across the vast ocean.  I could probably even write a post titled "The Ultimate Checklist for Moving Abroad."  I shall, and will some day soon. 

Brent will be working in Honolulu at a community correctional facility, and will also be faculty at the school of medicine.  He loves to teach and is pretty great at it, so this is such an exciting opportunity for him.  The job starts off as a 3 month contract with a 1 year extension opportunity.  This is so awesome for us because we know that we would definitely agree to at least a 1 year commitment in Hawaii, if not longer.  

It gives us plenty of time for Ariella to get old enough to fly since I'm pretty sure little babies and airplanes don't go together very well.  The recycled/ventilated air can bring on a lot of germs for a newborn with a developing immune system, and most articles I've read don't recommend flying until the baby is at least 2-3 months old, unless it's for an emergency.

As one can imagine, our family is a little sad I think because they thought we would stay in Texas, where us and baby Ariella (the 1st grand-baby of the Lawlis family) would be much closer.  The amazing thing about them is that they understand how incredible this will be for us and our more laid back lifestyle (beach, anyone?).  More importantly, they know the impact that Brent will be able to have at his work and the satisfaction that it will bring our little family of 3.  They have already started working on vacation days so that we can spend the holidays together.  My mother-in-law is going to buy a flight on my due date (September 8th) and then may change it accordingly so that she will be with there when Ariella is born and a few weeks post-partum.

Just FYI: Hawaii is ranked "the mellowest state," or the "least stressed state".

It also happens to be relatively close to New Zealand, which means that we will probably get to visit our Kiwi friends sooner, rather than later.

So in 2 weeks time dear friends, we will be en route to paradise.

Happy living to all.

Aloha :)

I may not have been born in Texas..

Goodness, it's been quite difficult to do anything lately.

The last time I tried to cook, I made it as far as the kitchen sink before I started gagging and had to tearfully walk away.  I cried because my husband was hungry and I wanted to make him dinner, but I couldn't even do that.  That's hard for me, providing nourishment for Brent is one of the ways I show him my love.  I wonder if that's in the "What's your love language" book?  I've never read it.  Good thing Brent understands me and he is the one that made me walk away.  I wear these acupuncture nausea bands called "Sea-Bands" all day, every day.  Someone asked if I was trying to make a fashion statement.  No, I am not making a fashion statement.  I am encouraged to know, however, that it will get better after I reach the 12 weeks mark.  That's only 2 weeks away, I can see the light, thank God!  I know that this is some well-needed rest.  I'll be thankful for it later on, I'm sure of it.

Brent and I made another life-changing decision recently.  I've realized that we've been pretty busy making life-changing decisions.  Moving to a new country, baby-making, moving back to a country.  Livin' ain't easy, but it sure is fun!

We're moving to Texas, Yeehaw!  My heart has always been in Texas.  When I was applying for college, all I wanted to do was go to a college in Texas.  When I was applying for jobs, all I wanted to do was work in Texas.  Something always told me that the timing just wasn't right yet.  Especially when I got offered a job in Austin, and turned it down!  Probably one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to make.  When the timing became right after all, I married a Texan (Praise the Lord, he's the greatest gift that I have ever received) and now we're moving there!  My favorite saying right now: "I may not have been born in Texas, but I got here as soon as I could."  I want that T-Shirt.  Brent and I are avid believers in following your heart, because it's telling to go in the direction that you were meant to go.  We followed our hearts when we came to New Zealand, and now we're doing the same thing in moving to Texas.   The first week back in America, we are going to the Houston Rodeo, seeing George Strait in concert at the Rodeo, and then another concert to see Eric Clapton and The Wallflowers.  If that's not the perfect "Welcome back to America" week, then I don't know what else would be.

It's been fun naming our baby.  We have officially decided on a girl and boy name.  It's really not as easy as you might think.  I mean, before we ever got pregnant, we had like 4 of our future children named.  When it actually happens though, it's kind of a whole different story.  We do know for sure that there's only one jelly bean in there.  I love our names so much and would love to share them but I don't want anyone to steal them because I'm a baby name hog.  How's that for honest, haha?!  It's kind of silly really.  I'm pretty sure we have decided that we want to know the gender of the baby because we want to call him/her by name before birth.  So once we find out the gender, the name will be out there.

I'm really into my energy right now, and being aware of how that is affecting the baby.  Although, I can't say that I'm doing a superb job of keeping it under control.  As I was reading about pregnancy stuff today, I came across the fact that the surge of hormones is really high right now, and it is responsible for the mood swings.  I turned to Brent and asked, "Honey, do you think I'm having mood swings?  Because I can't tell.."  He looked at me and laughed!  I couldn't help but laugh too.  I mean, who am I kidding?  I cry at everything pretty much.  The weird thing is that some things that I'm supposed to cry about, I actually don't shed a tear.  So either I'm emotion-less, or emotional.  So strange.

It will be so much fun being with family and having a baby.  They already love him/her just as much as we do.  Especially since my family is a little bit, well, "far" at this moment.  This story deserves a post of its own, which will be coming soon.  Brent and I are both in the process of getting our licenses to practice in Texas.  Then, we'd be all set to work, pay off some student loans, hang out with our family, have a baby, grill steaks, heck, maybe even open up our clinic sooner than we thought, and just continue living life to the absolute fullest.

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."