messes and roses

This will most likely be the last time that I will be documenting as a mother of one, and a family of three, God-willing.  As I stand here typing, I am also doing my exercises to hopefully bring on labor soon.

Much of the communication between my loves and I lies in the words of a flower.  

~I needed a head shot, but since I have never been one to comply with societal or business standards, I chose to make something that defined something about my heart and whose I am.

~I used to cringe at the thought of messes, the compulsive part of me eats pizza with a fork and a knife.  Then Ari Love taught me something life changing, that true beauty lies in all of the seasons of life, and especially in the messy ones because that is where most of our growth is done. 

~I have found that a beautiful rose infused bath can completely change your outlook on how you view the mess that got you there in the first place.  If we were to play a game of "he loves me, or he loves me not," I tell her that she will never need to worry because every single petal that will ever come off that rose will be one of the never ending love that her daddy and I will always have for her.

~We bought another bed that we added on to the side of our king size bed so that Ari Love can have her own space while still in the same room with us, but she still prefers to be cuddled up right next to me and my baby belly.

~I have a secret, when I feel good, she feels good.  After breakfast most mornings, I try to put on a little make up and fix both of our hair.  My "real mom" reality is not yoga pants and t-shirts, or "messy hair don't care" because it's just not me and I do care, and that's ok.  

~Rose tea brings so many memories close to my heart, I am a believer in that if you eat and drink beautiful things, it will change the way you feel on the inside. 

~Saturdays are our most favorite days because the spontaneity of them always turns into moments in the day to cherish forever.  We dip our feet in the healing ocean and soak our skin in the rejuvenating power of the sun.  At 40 weeks pregnant and still wearing our Love, it makes me feel strong, my husband tells me how proud he is to walk by my side, and I always have a free hand for him to hold tight.

~I used to think that having a natural birth was the greatest feat of strength that I had ever accomplished, that is until I nursed while pregnant.  The difference for me was birthing naturally was more of a sprint, while nursing while pregnant is a marathon.  Do they make stickers for my car for that? haha  It has taught me the power of taking things one day at a time.  I'll be honest and say that I didn't think I would make it until now but we have and it brings tears to my eyes to think that we are still nursing strong.  Brent and I both really wanted Ari Love to nurse until 2 and beyond, and there were nights when he would look at me so apologetically, and my response to him would be, "you do it!" hahah  I couldn't have made it without his support and belief in my strength and so here it is documented forever and ever, 40 weeks and nursing our beautiful 17 month old and it is a time that I will hold on to for as long as I can.

~We only have 4 coffee mugs, but there is incredible power and love in simplicity.  Every morning when I wake up, I find that my darling husband intentionally left me the same mug that he drank his coffee in right next to the coffee pot.  Sharing this little gesture of love with him leaves me feeling like it's a Saturday morning, when we are enjoying our coffee together while watching the sunrise. 

~Emulating one of my favorite things about being her mamma.  There are so many times when I feel like a failure, but on this particular day, the tears didn't stop from flowing because I felt like somewhere along the line, I must have done something right.

~I paint her toes during naptime, because the look of complete joy and gratitude in her face when she wakes up trumps anything else that I should be doing while she sleeps.

"For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction."   

time is love

With our due month quickly approaching, and my energy levels slowly dwindling, it has really forced me to slow down and really think about how much our life is about to change again, so soon and so beautifully.  The truth is, I feel amazing.  There is something extremely special about sharing such a miraculous time with a little girl who is really starting to understand that there is a baby in mama's belly.  My belly gets hugged and kissed and rubbed and kicked...not on purpose, but goodness, these bellies can sure withstand some toddler abuse I've come to know!  I know a big part of it is already knowing how amazing it is to be a parent, and questioning how our hearts could possibly expand enough to love another little human being as much as we love our first little Love.  But you know, that's what makes our heart the strongest muscle in our body.

If you ever wonder what we do throughout our days, well I shall tell you that it's quite simple, we spend time together.  Our pastor mentioned this on his sermon last week that time is love, and that really stuck with me and I have been meditating on it all week.  Some days, guilt tries to creep in telling me that I'm not doing a good enough job buying Ari Love the best toys, or that she is missing out for not having her own room, and maybe that our home isn't big enough or nice enough, or that when I'm too tired to do much we spend too much time watching sesame street.  But you know what, nothing compares to the way she sleeps between her daddy and I with one hand on my belly and one foot on her daddy, softly singing as we all drift off to sleep.  I wouldn't trade waking up to the scent of her delicious head under my nose, or her waking me up by playing with my eyelashes and proudly exclaiming "hi mama!"  One of the most comforting and biggest lessons that I have learned from our church and from living this minimalistic lifestyle is that God just wants to spend time with us..and so do our children.  

Many days, we don't even leave our little nook, but we dress up anyway and pretend that we are princesses.  I let her play with my wedding ring that her wonderful daddy gifted to me and I tell her the stories in detail of how we met and fell in love.  We play with recycled boxes and highlighters and write all over each other then take a 2 hour bath before our afternoon nap.  Actually, bath time at all hours of the day has been our go to activity here lately and Ari loves it.  We pretend that we are mermaids at the spa haha We spend time paying deep attention to the smallest of details of the roses that her daddy surprised us with and stare in awe at each perfectly formed petal.  Some days we sit on the ground and eat hummus and guacamole while singing the abc's and then take another bath.  I don't know any of the shows that people are watching these days because we don't have television, but I will tell you that I have laughed and cried more while watching sesame street than I ever have watching television, especially the episode with Jason Mraz singing, that one is our very favorite.  I really hope that she will grow up knowing how much she has taught me about the most important things in life, and I will do my best in teaching her what little things that I have learned along the way.

the 13th week

13 weeks have already flown by, and I am here pondering how we already got this far.
How my heart seems to be growing with my belly, when I really thought it was already as full as it can ever get.
My unquenchable craving for dates.
When I was pregnant with Ariella, every day seemed to last a lifetime.  Now, I feel as though I need to cherish the time when it seems to slow down, as our days of being a family of three are dwindling.
I am learning to love the hard days, as much as the easy ones.
The nights...well, I am slowly learning to embrace those as well.
I am finding so much joy in sharing such a beautiful journey with so many of my dear friends, new, and old, some of whom know me in person, and others whose kindred spirits connect us through this amazing world of social media.  I could not be more grateful for this community.
I am taking it day by day, though most times, hour by hour, because the weeks of extreme nausea and fatigue were trying.  Thankfully, they have passed as the 13th week is the magical number for me.

Being pregnant the second time is nothing like the first time I've come to understand, or the third, fourth, or even tenth time.  Every soul growing inside a woman comes with a different experience. So just when I thought that I was now possibly immune to the awe inspiring moments of growing a life, I actually became even more awe inspired of this great miracle.

The excitement of picking out a boy name and a girl name has been so much fun and I am equally in love with both of them.  We find out our precious baby's gender in a few weeks and I am counting down the days...the suspense is so exciting, but I just don't think I could handle 41 or so weeks of it!  I am ready to speak and pray over our baby by name, and I hope you will do the same for us. 

We tell Ariella Love that mama is growing her baby brother or sister and she kisses my belly over and over...I find myself wiping away so many happy tears.  I don't think I've ever cried so much in entire life!  She has grown so much, and I am so confident in her ability to be the best big sister.

I'll be honest and say that amidst those happy tears, there have also been some tears of frustration, tears of fear, tears of anger...  There have been nights where I didn't feel capable, I felt weak, hormonal, alone, and extremely exhausted.  My love would sit with me while most of the world was still in a deep slumber, and remind me to find my strength in my Savior.  There, my peace would come.  There, even in my angry prayers and cries for help, He showed me unconditional love.

The next morning, I received a package from my father.  A package of dates and a darling note.

I've been waiting for this day for two years...

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8