I Spend My Husband's Money

No, I don’t ask permission.  No, I’m not stealing.  No, I'm not taking advantage of him.   

Yes, he knows.

I write this from the perspective of a woman who for a while, made more money than my husband, and who supported us as a couple.  I consider myself strong, intelligent, and independent.

I love what God says about humility.  That we either live humbly or we become humbled.

Well boy did the Lord work on my heart.  While I am aware that talking about finances makes people really uncomfortable, lets just go ahead and start the fidgeting, wiggling in our seats, and get out of our comfort zone shall we.  Our story about our finances has been on my heart for a long time.  Really, ever since I became a “stay at home mom." Which I don’t know who even came up with that term considering we do everything but stay home most days 🙈  I personally prefer "professional homemaker" as it says on our tax return.

That’s really the turning point of when a lot of things stopped making sense and started making sense for me all at the same time.  When Ariella Love birthed me as a mother, in many ways I had to get to know myself all over again.  Things that I used to be so confident about became my biggest source of insecurity.  As I reflected and relished in this beautiful tiny little baby whose existence changed my entire being, God started to speak to my heart about my identity and I started to share my journey on my blog.  I wrote this blog post on why my degree was not a waste of time because I slowly but surely started attaining the confidence to rest in the peace of my new calling, my work.

I used to think this about my own mother.  An incredible woman who dedicated her life to taking care of my dad and my brothers and I.  I used to think that she was weak for settling, where somewhere along the way she had lost her ambition, and that surely no one chooses this.  We had delicious home cooked meals every single day and our clothes were always perfectly folded and she made sure that every new Arab person in town felt welcomed and that our home was their home away from home and she clothed the naked and fed the hungry and volunteered at churches and mosques and synagogues and conducted tolerance events and went to the cancer center to rub a dying Irani woman's feet who was in America with no family.  I can't even begin to describe to you what it was like to watch my auntie rub my own dying mother's feet.  For a long time, I didn't know nor did I appreciate what I had in my mother, until I became a mother myself.  I don't have any regrets but so much of my healing right now is to tell you about things that I wish I would have known then, and what she is continuing to teach me now, even though she isn't physically here anymore.  My father has always told me "Ya Madina, if you can, learn from other people's mistakes so that you can save yourself the heartache of making them too."  How right you have been Papa.  I have and am preparing myself for my own children’s perspective of my choices, which is a big reason why I write in this space. For our precious daughters, to know their mothers heart and to be encouraged and perhaps to have insight into why they are my why.

My husband and I have had a joint checking account since about 3 months after we started dating. Now I know that sounds utterly idiotic to some, but as soon as I met him, I knew I wanted him to be my husband and I was determined to not let money become a reason that broke us apart and be yet another statistic.  I’m not saying everyone should do this, in fact, most of you probably shouldn't.  I’m just saying that this was something that was laid on my heart not truly knowing the impact that it would have on our future as a married couple.  He was a poor medical resident and I had been working as a full time clinical pharmacist for a couple of years.  I’ll never forget on our first date, I told him that I had a financial advisor since I was 23 and he told me how sexy that was.  I also let him pay my tab hah!

I had gone on a different date a couple of months prior to meeting the love of my life and obviously it didn’t work out thank goodness. This particular guy told me that independent women such as myself were not attractive and that I should probably pay my own tab since I made more money than he did. Haha, bye bye buddy, your insecurity, not mine.

After quitting my job a week before our wedding in 2012, I’ll also never forget the day that my husband and I decided that I would not go back to pharmacy.  We were at the Starbucks drive-through, I was 4 months pregnant.  It’s one of those moments that is forever ingrained in my mind because of the impact that I now know that conversation has had on me as well. My darling Brent told me that nothing would make him happier than me being the primary person raising our children.  And whether I would consider trusting him to provide enough for us.  I said yes, to him then, and I’m still saying yes to him now.

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea here, that you have to make the same choices as we have, please please please. The thing is, I have understood that this is a privilege, to even have the ability to have this choice to make. And I promise I don’t take it lightly or for granted and this is why I'm writing this.  I'm tired of justifying to people that he's not my sugar daddy.

Shortly after, we moved to Hawaii, one of the most expensive places to live on Earth, and I had to trust my husband, to provide enough for us as we embarked on our new life as parents.  We lived in a hotel at first, and then a 1 bedroom apartment.  We didn't have room in our home or in our budget for much more than necessities.  I had to put aside what I realized had become a part of my identity, how much money I made.  I had to humble myself as to what I thought defined a strong, intelligent, and independent woman.  I had to be ok with less, when the world still tries to tell me that we need more. And more.  And more.

The day that I started seeing my work as a wife and mother as a calling, as a ministry, that’s when everything changed.  The way that I had viewed my mother completely changed.  Our daughters see their mama take a few hours to go get her nails done, and hair done, and exercise.  I know that sounds so super boogie (is that what the kids call it these days?) but I’m not apologizing for it.  My husband is the one that encourages me to do so.  Our girls see their mama scrub the toilet, wash endless dishes, wipe poop off the walls, prepare healthy homemade meals for their incredible daddy, for them, put furniture together, use Powertools, they see me sacrifice endless hours of sleep to cuddle them at night to make them feel safe and loved, and surrender my breasts to breastfeeding them day and night, sacrificing time with my love to be there for them when they only want mama.

I read a study once that monetized what “stay at home moms” would get paid, if we got paid for all that we do.  It was something like $120,000 a year.  Yeah, afford that.  We are household managers, spiritual leaders, encourages, nurturers, booboo kissers, financial advisors, detectives, teachers, lovers, friends...

Brent and I have budget meetings and talk about money very openly.  He trusts me to make the best financial decisions for us just like I trust him to do the same, but to be a Godly man first.  Don't listen to the lie that says marriage is 50/50, marriage is 100/100.  Marriage is hard work.  Parenting is hard work.  And on top of that, he works really really hard to provide enough and encourages me to make sure to take some time for myself, so that I can pour out to him and our daughters from a full cup.  The funny thing is that he's the one that asks me before he buys stuff.

My husband believed in me before I ever believed in myself.  I love him so much for that.  I've told him this before but let me tell him again.  My sweet darling, your endless love and support and grace that you have given and continue to give me is what brought me to the Lord.  If you ever start questioning your purpose or feel that you haven't done enough good in this world, just remember what you've done for me, showing me the love of God is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

I guess all I’m really trying to say is that my marriage and motherhood journey has made me realize that this had so much less to do with finances and more to do with my own self worth.  What we do on a daily basis is priceless.  The mundane, the repetition, the seemingly uninteresting or unimportant tasks of the day are everything but that.  It is enough.  The thing about enough is that what I miss most about my mama aren’t the lavish things that we did or things that she bought for me or the house that we lived in or whatever else.  I miss the mundane.  I miss peeling potatoes with her in the kitchen.  I miss the way she put her perfume on before she went to bed.  I miss her cooking.  The way she folded my clothes and how she refused to use a dishwasher.  I miss the way she scrubbed the floor, the Algerian (read difficult haha) way with a big wash rag on a squeegee thing (you literally have to be Algerian to understand this) because she didn’t believe in mops.  I miss exercising with her around our neighborhood, I miss the way she brushed my hair.  No amount of money or title or whatever can ever replace that.

In her last days, my mama told me that she was so proud of me.  She poured her heart and soul into being my mother, and forever, she will always be enough.

Why We Choose The Little Gym of Little Rock

When we moved back to Little Rock almost 2 years ago, I was so anxious to get the girls back into a new routine and involved in fun activities like the ones that we were a part of in Hawaii.  I always hear that word of mouth is more powerful than advertising will ever be and this fact proves itself to me time and time again, especially in the world of motherhood.  Mamas talk, and we let each other know who treats our babies right and who doesn't.  

By the light of the moon

I took these photographs lit by only the moonlight, when Florence Pearl was 9 months old.  I really wanted to push myself creatively and see beyond the perfect photo.  She is 15 months now and I have come to understand how incredibly precious memories are.  That is what is getting me through losing my mom.  When I get sad, I immediately think about all the amazing things that she is and was and continues to be even in her passing, then get an overwhelming sense of peace.

It's ok to look back.  It's ok to see how far you have come.  The important thing is just don't get stuck there.  Come back to knowing how beautiful the present really is.  Remember your why.  I hold true that success is not what I have done compared to what others have done.  Success is what I've done compared to what God has called me to do.  I was called to be Brent's wife and the mother of our 3 beautiful daughters.  I fail at a lot of other things, but I know that as long as I keep doing the best that I can, raising our girls into strong women, who love God and are kind to people, then none of the other stuff matters. 

Mama loves you.

9 ways to help you find a delicate balance between motherhood and self-care

A friend of mine told me something that I will never ever forget.  She said that she wishes that her mama would have taken the time to take care of herself because maybe then she might actually still be alive.  Tears streamed down my face. 

We as mothers give 1000% of ourselves to our families every single day and what if, just what if we are missing something really important in all of this. 

What if this is a false type of humility?

What if by doing this we are being more self-ish than we are being self-less?

How many of you are like me and haven't been to the dentist since your oldest child was born.  You haven't had your pap smear or general doctor visit probably since then too.  I'll never forget the last time I went to the gym, I was 20 weeks pregnant with Ari Love and I blacked out on the treadmill.  I was really excited to get back in a gym I guess haha.  Thankfully my doctor husband was there and saved me while I re-gained consciousness.

Yesterday, I reluctantly posted this photo on my Instagram and my Facebook because my intent was not to focus on the difference, but instead on the fact that I love, respect, and admire who I am in both photos, both taken in very important seasons of my life.  I'm not mad that my body needs to accumulate a lot of fat to grow our healthy babies.  I felt beautiful and strong during my pregnancies and post-partum.  In fact, there's nothing like the strength and empowerment that I felt after growing and delivering our babies.  I realized that the only way that I can stay on that high has been to focus on my physical and emotional strength post-partum.

Six months ago, my love and I made a commitment together that we were going to get better at prioritizing our health.  For me, that meant taking better care of my skin (I posted my skin routine here) and work on getting in shape again. 

Honestly, when we started all of this I never thought it would become the self-care journey that it has been.  I just needed some structure so that I could gain some sort of grasp on life.

Well, it gave us that, and so much more.  And actually, the more has been more life-changing than anything else because it became health as in our body, our mind, and our spirit.

A lot of you were asking "what did you do?"  That question is actually super easy to answer.  We ate right and exercised.  That's it.  No magic pills or magic wraps or magic workout program. 

But the hard question is how? 

How does a busy mother of three young children find the time to meal plan?  How do I find the time to go to the grocery store?  How do I have time to cook?  How do I have time to exercise? How do I have time to wash my face?  How do I have time for anything really haha! How how how?

Now I'm no expert in your life.  But I will tell you what has helped ours.

1.  Make the decision.  I know this sounds silly but making the commitment is basically the most important step.  Saying that I'm going to do this and sticking to it.  Brent and I literally sat down and had a very heartfelt conversation about why we needed to do this and that it will make us stronger as a couple and better parents to our girls. 

2.  Communicate your needs.  Don't wait until you're about to explode from frustration.  This is healthy for any relationship and while I'm married to a psychiatrist (the best psychiatrist in all of Earth by the way), I still make the mistake of shutting down sometimes and he reminds me to just let it out, he is my confidante and my partner.  We are a team and Brent tells me to tell him what I need so that he can better understand how to help me.  I told him that I really needed some therapy time at the gym and needed to be more intentional about what we are eating because I'm tired of eating the goldfish off of the high chair (feel me?!) and he was immediately on board with me because he felt the exact same way! 

3.  Figure out what's important to you.   It started by me really wanting to go to therapy.  Yes, that kind of therapy.  I'm telling you this because there's no shame in it.  Therapy is so good, and I'm human and my family is going through a lot emotionally right now and I felt like I needed someone to help me get through grief.  I mean, if I had more time and more means, it would also include a mani/pedi every week, a massage, my hair done, a full time nanny, etc...you get the drift haha Anyway, we had our family in town one week so I had help with the girls and I just felt like I needed to go for a walk.  The walk turned into a run, and that run turned into the therapy that I didn't even know I needed.  God definitely spoke to me and told me that I needed the endorphins from exercise.  I cry sometimes when I work out.  The pain that I feel helps me connect with the pain that my mama feels.  It sounds sort of silly but this has helped me deal more than anything and then seeing the changes in my physical and emotional health has been totally worth it.

4.  Start low and go slow.  Oh look, pharmacy lingo that I finally get to use haha!  This phrase is used in the medical world for starting blood pressure medicine, but interestingly, is relevant to motherhood and self-care.  What I mean by this is to start by setting what you would consider attainable goals, to set up the momentum for when you go big or go home.  There's some psychological study that I read about once that talked about how our brain is affected positively when we attain goals which then lead to attaining even bigger goals.  I think in this delicate process, I want to set myself up for success.  My goals included going to the gym at least twice a week, and also not going to bed without washing off my makeup.  Even this was almost a little over-zealous but when I achieved these goals pretty consistently, I upped my workouts to 3 times a week and added a 5 minute skin routine.  This is where I'm at right now and so far so good!  I'm curious to see how my goals change in the upcoming months.

5.  Plan ahead.  Planning does not come natural to me so this was a hard thing for me at first.  But when I became a mother, making somewhat tentative plans was essential for us to thrive and so I'm really proud at how far I've come with this.  It's so important to plan out my self-care time, and having a consistent schedule with it is even better because then everyone knows what to expect, including me.  I feel like I'm so much less inclined to follow through with something when I have to scramble last minute, especially, especially when it's something for me.  Planning our meals (mostly) and the days that I exercise and all the fun activities that we have in between has made me a more present mother and gave us more time for so many other things.  See, in the end, taking care of myself for an hour of the day made me a better mother for the 23 hours remaining, and that's what I really consider as self-less.

6.  Ask for help.  Ah.  So much easier said than done right?  I will say that none of this has come without a price for my love and I.  We are blessed to have amazing and generous family who come all the way from Texas and help us and see the girls that they adore every couple of months.  In the in between time, Brent and I have budgeted to hire a babysitter about 3 times a week to help me get my workouts in.  We also joined a gym membership with daycare (so so important).  Florence does not feel comfortable in the gym daycare yet so we decided to get our own babysitter that all of our girls can really get to know and develop a loving and trusting relationship with.  We have two sitters that we absolutely adore and I tell them constantly what a blessing they are to our family. 

7.  Have a support network.  Don't do it alone!  My primary and most important support is my sweetheart.  He understands me and has been so incredibly amazing through this continuous journey.  I also have incredible mama friends near and far who are in this same season of growth and we keep each other inspired.  One of these mamas is a fitness guru and she gives me so much reassurance and confidence in what my body and my mind can do.  I also joined a running club full only mothers here in Little Rock and they all do such a good job of holding me accountable.  I don't run as much right now because I'm trying to heal my knees from 3 years of pregnancy and hormone buildup, but finding other mothers to connect with has been life-changing.

8.  Be flexible.  Things happen, and while planning has been a big part of this for me, I've also learned to adapt.  Adaptation really is the key to survival so this is super important.  If I can't get to the gym, I get the girls involved and do something at home, or we go for a walk in the stroller, or I reschedule for another day.  With fitness, what I eat is probably more important than getting to the gym so if I know I can't workout on a day that I usually do, I just try to really have my eating on point, and vice versa.  For my skin, I think in the 7 months that I have stuck to my skin routine, I've slept with my makeup on about 5 times and like, oh well! haha I'm happy with that!

9.  Give yourself time and grace.  *breathe in, breathe out*  "Rome wasn't built in a day," darlings.  Taking your time and being intentional about the changes that you instill into your life will have a much better outcome in the long run, I literally have to tell myself this multiple times a day.  And when you fall, pick yourself right back up and keep going.  Don't be ashamed to celebrate all victories, large and small, they matter.  Your feelings matter.  Your family matters.  You matter.  The Lord says that you are His masterpiece!  Believe that you are a masterpiece, and you are raising little Van Goghs and Picassos and Amelia Earharts and Maya Angelous.  

I know that the example that I set when I am trying to be the best version of myself leaves a much greater impact on our children than the mistakes and setbacks and failures that I make along the way. 

I pray that this has helped you in some sort of way.  As I've said, I certainly do no claim to be an expert in this, I'm just a wife and mother who wants to be a good one and I try hard, just like you.  I would love to know if there are other suggestions that you would like to add to this list!  Leave me a comment and lets start a discussion! 

My family is my motivation behind this post.  Thank you for all that you do for me and for us my love.

Honey & Sage Co Review

Once upon a time, I was chosen for a series called the Sling Diaries where I met a group of the loveliest and like-minded women on this planet.  A few months later, I got to meet one of my favorite humans from the series at Gwendolyn Rose's first birthday party, Sarah.  She was everything I ever thought she would be, and truly, much much more.  A few months later, Sarah and her friend Nova launched what I believe to be the best and most useful care packages and monthly subscription boxes out there.  Together, they are Honey & Sage Co and go all over the Dallas, Texas area helping post-partum women.  They have devoted themselves to helping mothers around the world and honestly inspire me every day.

I've waited a bit to post this review because my post-partum experience with Florence was a much longer period for me than with our other daughters.  I'm sure it has to do with a bunch of different factors.  Maybe because we were in the 3 under 3 club for a while and then transitioning to mothering 3 little babies because that's what they are, babies.  I needed longer moments to breathe and longer moments to take in the joy and even longer moments to be present.  It sounds like I was pretty needy and that's the absolute truth.  I'm not sorry for it.  Technically, the post-partum period is considered the 3 months after birth but for me, can I honestly tell you that I feel like I've maybe just gotten out of it...emphasis on the maybe.  Florence is 10 months old.  

Sarah sent me my care package just in the nick of time.  I chugged the happy drops and bliss tea in times of distress, so basically all day haha!  But really, I'm Arab so naturally I'm a huge tea drinker and the bliss tea was my comfort.  The feeling of warmth on my hands from my mug along with the floral aroma of the tea was what I look forward to every evening as my love and I talk about our day.  I love that it's called Bliss tea because that's exactly how I feel when I'm drinking it, blissful, high almost.  There's that birth high that I'm so addicted to and I truly feel like my tea drinking ritual prolonged that feeling for as long as possible.  I carry the Happy Drops in my baby bag for emergencies, and oh my goodness, just the taste in itself makes me happy happy.  The pharmacist in me is so intrigued by it, the compounding formulation.  I'm like, what's in this stuff and why is it so good?!  It makes me feel womanly and in tune.  Something about it, gives me that "ahhhh" feeling.

I feel like every item that Sarah and Nova so very carefully select to include in the boxes comes with such beautiful and powerful intentions and affirmations.  The package as a whole is so well thought out, and fills so many needs (and sometimes wants because those are important too) of a mother.  This really is the perfect gift for a baby shower as well, so unique and beautiful and thoughtful.

I think what I love the most about Honey & Sage Co is that they are thinking about the mamas.  I feel like so many times after women give birth, we give all our love and energy to this beautiful tiny bundle that we almost forget about the mama.  Our society has this expectation for the woman to just get up and go 4 days after giving birth and we glorify that.  When I'm out and see a mother with a week old baby shopping at Target, instead of saying 'oh good job for being out so soon,' I'm always like 'no no, go back to bed mama, give me your number so that I can come over and bring you a meal, bond with your baby, heal, recover, let someone else do the laundry, and the groceries." The thing is, when you take care of the mama, you're also taking care of the baby.  Her milk production increases and her hormones release and her muscles relax and that is just recipe for a beautiful post-partum period and beyond!

Forget happy wife happy life, when a mother is happy and nurtured and pampered and is physiologically and mentally well taken care of, everything that flourishes within her also does the same in the life that she has just given birth to.  

Here's to the blossoming of life, both for mama, daddy, and baby.  Thank you so much Sarah and Nova for letting me experience just that, you are destined for great things mamas. 

XX,

Madina

*Thank you so much to Honey & Sage Co for sponsoring this post.  As with anything that I review on my blog, all products are held to the high standards of the City of Hearts brand and all opinions are my own.  Thank you for supporting the makers and doers and movers and shakers that make this blog possible <3*

High Tea- Christmas Edition

Ariella taught me an important lesson the other day when a sweet friend was having a hard time leaving our home after playtime.  I asked Ari Love if she could spare a toy from her toy box to give to the little girl to make her feel better and what she did astounded me.  She went right up to her most favorite toy, picked it up, and said here you go, I would like to give this to you.  I asked Ari Love a few times if she was sure that was the toy that she wanted to give her since I knew how much she loved it and I was afraid of a regretful tantrum later.  She repeatedly said yes mama, and I held her happy hand while a joyful little girl happily left with her mama.  She never asked about this toy again.  

Now I know that children are born into this Earth for us to teach them in the ways of the Lord but let me tell you that since becoming a mother, these precious babies have taught me more in the ways of the Lord than I could ever know. 

It was Christmas Eve-Eve when I started this post, which, I wouldn't have known was a thing until everyone on Instagram and Facebook was posting about the eve-eve.  I think it's so neat that so much surrounds the timeline of Christmas but it still hasn't become second nature to me because this is like only my 5th year celebrating it.  It's an incredibly beautiful and odd time for me I think.  I have always loved the spirit of Christmas and the meaning and how everyone gives so generously and so much of themselves, but I can't say that I'm particularly good at it yet.  Namely I get overwhelmed easily and don't plan ahead like the pros do haha.  Everyone got gift cards this year, with the exception of our girls who got a gift each...three in total...from Amazon Prime.  Shortly thereafter, my sweet Brent and I watched this documentary on Netflix called "Minimalism," and I cried and felt much better about myself haha.  I think for someone on the outside looking in, it's easy to see how much of the holiday season is taken for granted, the overwhelming consumerism of it all and whatnot.  But I'm not trying to be that person, I promise.  I loved watching the girls open their far too many presents and hearing their screams and squeals and exclamations of "this is my favorite present ever!" (for the 20th time) with the sight of each box wrapped in too beautiful to rip paper.  It was all worth the anxiety I would eventually get in trying to figure out what to do with everything.  I think at their age, it takes about 10 gifts for them to find the one that they absolutely can't live without.  And while I'd like to think that the gifts that we got them were their favorites, they weren't, and I'm completely ok with admitting that.  This Mackenzie-Childs tea party set that their amazing grandmother got them for Christmas last year is probably one of my favorite gifts ever.  We play with it practically every single day and she spent way too much money on it, and I probably wouldn't have.  So who am I to say don't buy this or that?  

Upon further self reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it is just as important to be a gracious receiver as it is to be a gracious giver.  And most importantly, to remember that Jesus is at the heart of it all.

X,

Madina

Mackenzie-Childs Courtly Check 2 quart tea kettle- here 
Mackenzie-Childs children's tea party set- here 

*This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click and shop through my blog, I receive a commission from your purchase.  I only post about things that I truly and confidently believe in so that you can do your shopping confidently as well.  XX, Madina*