Wednesday, August 27

joy comes in the morning

Amongst my many failures as a mother through out the days, I have learned to accept the grace that was so freely given to me.

I have to.

Ever since I became a mother, the term accountability has gained a whole new and very real meaning to me.
Regardless of knowing what a little sponge she is, I still say things that I know I shouldn't have said, or think things that I know I shouldn't have thought, or act in a way that is unacceptable to me.

My life used to be so much easier.

Interestingly, the enemy of this world has a way of only reminding us of the few good times of our past, and sometimes, we dwell on those moments...the good ol' times they call it.

The reality is, you forget about the countless nights that you cried yourself to sleep.
You forget about the nights that you were so drunk that you wet the bed.
You forget about the nights when you didn't know the person laying next to you.
You forget about the nights when things seemed so out of control.
You forget about the nights when you had no idea who that person was, staring back at you in the mirror.
You forget about the nights when you didn't feel worthy of ever finding love.
You forget about the night when you thought ending your life may be the only way out of this hell...

Don't look back, look UP.
He has been with you this whole time.
Motherhood has brought me to a place in my faith that I have never been before.
Strong, yet so vulnerable.  Anchored, yet so easily strayed.

Would I do it all over again if I knew how hard it was going to be?
How I literally gave birth to accountability and my life would change forever.
How I can't just turn away and pretend that Jesus didn't see that, or hear that.  Because He did, and so did she.

I recently asked myself that question because things seemed so hard at the time.  I was so exhausted, stretched so incredibly thin.
My first though was, is this even a real question?  No. No. No.  I shake my head to undo this horrible thought away.
Because I couldn't give her back.
I am literally watching big drops of tears fall on this keyboard as I write this because the mere thought is just so hurtful, so selfish of me. I am so sorry.
I couldn't give her back.
How could I?
Even among the hardest of times, a little smile from her brightens up my entire day.
The marks that were left on my stomach from growing her inside of me remind me of His suffering that He gladly endured for me.
Jesus is a sinless man who deemed me worthy of His scars.  His suffering.
Because He loves me.

I have come to know a little girl who has given me insight on who my Father is, and what His heart is like.
I have been made into a better person, and every day still.
Even though I fail every single day, multiple times a day.
I see His grace so freely given in her eyes.
Asking if I would go back to my old life would mean that I would also have to give Him up.
No. No. No. 
I will gladly suffer.
First and foremost, for His glory and sacrifice.  But mainly, for Love.

What's really happening is that I'm growing.
With growth, there are sometimes growing pains.
In between the loud pains of right now, are little whispers of joy. 
In a few days, a few months, a few years, these whispers will become so loud that they will completely silence the pain.
I'll look back and long for that little girl tugging at my dress, saying mama mama over and over again.

"weeping may be for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5


  1. You are such a beautiful person Madina, inside and out. I truly enjoy reading your words because I feel like you and I have walked similar paths. Parenting is the hardest, most rewarding role we will ever fill. Having children has been such a spiritual transformation for me but still very much an ongoing process.