Wednesday, April 24

Time i$ money.

We left New Zealand and O how I miss that beautiful wonder of a place.

What an amazing experience that truly was.  I firmly believe that if you are ever given the choice between time vs. money, ALWAYS choose time.  That's what we had.  We had time together, time to think, time to evaluate, time for reflection, time for yoga and wellness, time to conceive a baby, time to heal, time to forgive, time for God, and time for ourselves.

The hardest part for me about being in a country so far away from family was the difficulty in having consistent communication. That is partly due to the fact that we only had internet at our house for about 3 full weeks then it sort of just stopped working.  Being as sick as I was in the early weeks of pregnancy, no way could I even think about going over and beyond with internet company query.  The mere thought of being put on hold made me nauseated.

Let me be real.  I think that being as far away from my family (in distance) and in spirit made me feel really empty, even though there was plenty to fill me up.  Our relationship has been pretty rocky ever since I married the love of my life, who is American and Christian, and not Arabic and Muslim as they would have preferred.  When I told my parents that Brent and I were engaged, my father ceased to speak to me.  My mom, since she knows how in love Brent and I are, was more accepting of the news.  Regardless, she still had to take my father's side since all she could do was be a good and supporting wife.  I understand that.  Brent and I didn't want a long engagement, we were so ready to finally be married.  We got married 3 months after we were engaged, and that was not enough time for my dad to come around to the idea of me marrying 1. A man who he didn't know, 2. An american man, but worse of all 3. A Christian man.

Icing on top.  I found God again, after years, literally, of searching for Him.  More specifically, since I was 12 years old, I knew that what my heart believed to be true, and what I had always been taught to be the Truth weren't exactly the same thing.. The time that we had in New Zealand reinforced my faith so much that I could finally speak up about it.

All these events occurring in a short period of time really did not work well for my family...or probably anyone for the matter.  I think so many times in life we go through traumatic events, and never really take the time to deal with them.  We either try to just forget about them, or throw them under the rug to deal with at a later period in life.   What happens is that we end up bottling up our feelings, then even more serious issues arise from things that happened decades ago.  Being in denial just cascades into a vicious cycle that I am so glad I am not having to deal with.  I used to be one of those people.  I mean, sometimes I think that if I had just dealt with all these feelings that I had at an early age in my life and was more honest with my family, maybe their reaction to me at this point would not have been so drastic.  In a way, I knew it would be the case.  I really just wanted to keep it from them forever.  My heart told me that although you don't always have to tell your family everything (which I believe to be true), this was definitely not one of those things.  I am good at a lot of different things, however, pretending to be something that I am not is not my forte.  It killed me every passing second that I didn't tell them what was in my heart.  Every time I had a crying spell, Brent would try to get to the bottom of things only to find out it was always the same issue that was hurting me.  He basically just told me the honest truth, if you don't tell them, you're going to deal with guilt your entire life.

There were times when all I wanted for comfort was Bijoux (our amazing dog that went to Heaven 2 days before our wedding) next to me, giving me sweet kisses, and our record player, where I could just pop in a Pink Floyd album, and go into deep meditation and relaxation where I just forgot about everything that ever worried me.

I finally told them.  I told my family that I believe and have for the last decade of my life, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour.  I finally divulged to them the secrets that I had in my heart for all these years.

I did it.  I was free.  It was January 23rd.

The text message I received from my mom:
[Madina, please do not contact us anymore.  You just died in our family, in our hearts.  I am deeply sorry for what's happening to you, you sure are lost.]

Those words cut me like a knife, a wound so deep inside me that I know I needed this time to forgive and heal. Truly though, the hardest part was just coming clean. Fear has had such a strong hold on me, it's an extremely powerful form of control, and from now on, I have removed the word fear from my vocabulary. Yeah, it makes me sad that my family doesn't talk to me. It makes me sad that my mom is missing one of the most important experiences of my life, my pregnancy with Ariella. It makes me sad that Brent and I are missing on a really awesome relationship that we could have with them, to include them in our every day life. I miss my brothers. I miss my dad, who pats me on the head every now and again to show his tremendous love for me. Time heals all wounds, and things will get easier for them, and for me because I know that they will accept me one day.  Don't judge them, because they are amazing people and they did an amazing job raising me.  They raised me to be independent, to think for myself, and always continue seek out knowledge. It's just a matter of time before they realize that instead of feeling like they have failed in raising their daughter, they actually succeeded in the most wonderful and fulfilling way. They need time to comprehend the extent of all that I have told them over the past 9 months of my life. I am more than willing to give them this time because I love them so much, and I needed about 10 times that amount to even begin to understand what was going on inside of me. All I can do is show them the same love that my family and Jesus has shown me all my life.

Jesus gives liberty to the captives.  I am free, free at last.


  1. Thank you so much for reading! This was a really personal share so it means a lot to me that you got something out of it :)

  2. WOW! What an amazing story! This has really touched me and made me think of how TRULY AMAZING God is. I am even more grateful for Christ in my life and I can now look differently at conflict I've had with family. To experience that kind of hurt from family and to TRULY LOVE them in spite of is a picture of how Christ loves us. I don't know how He does it, but thank God He loves us. Thanks so much for sharing!

    1. Nica,
      Thank you immensely for your kind and encouraging words! You remind me of a part of a song that I love and it says "O how He loves us, O how He loves us!" Every time I start singing that part, I cry tears of joy! Christ loves us more than we can ever attempt to love anyone, but we can sure try to love Him that much in return, and everyone else as well. Be well and God bless you!