Sunday, April 3

To accept & be content

with being alone..  Probably the biggest lesson I've learned this year, and a turning point in my life.

I was forced to become best friends with myself.  When that day finally came, everything just fell into place from there.  I have been doing so much self-relfection and inner research this part year, that I'm almost sick of myself...yeah right.  I said almost  :)

The best thing that could have ever happened to me was coming to the realization that I've never really been alone.  I've been serial monogamous for the past 5 years, lived with my best friends, surrounded by family, or there was always somewhere I could go where I knew people, and didn't have to be alone.  

But this was like really, really alone.  No family in my vicinity, no real friends, a strange new town where I knew no one, so it is just me.  I was forced to quit putting off what needed to happen for so long, and face it.  Alone and terrified, a level of terror unfamiliar to me.  Unfortunately, or fortunately perhaps, I had no choice this time.  You know, I really don't think anyone would put themselves through this kind of torture voluntarily, if so, then you're a badass.

What kept me going I think was that my work life was super busy and hectic.  It definitely pays off to stay busy.  Slowly, but surely, I became more self aware.  I started running again, taking care of my body which made me feel really good.  I started reading, a past-time that I enjoyed from a very young age but Pharmacy School prevented me from doing any leisure reading for so long.  I picked up my guitar again and tried to pick up where I left off so many years ago.

As great as all that was going, I still was physically in pain from loneliness and missing the people that I loved, including someone that was a huge part of my life, but now was gone.  He HAD to go.  When I went home to see my family, I would just sit on the kitchen table and cry for hours, before I had to leave to come back here.  My mom begged me to quit my job and move back home.

Part of becoming more self aware was that I knew that I had to get through this, and I had to do it alone.   So maybe I am a badass since this was, in many ways, self-inflicted torture.  My thoughts and every bone in my body told me that this was absolutely the right thing to do.  Although, I was actually never sure if I would get back to happiness when it was all said and done, but I had a gut feeling that when the storm passed, there would be a rainbow...maybe even a double rainbow.  Is this even real life?

Don't get me wrong, quitting my job and moving home sounded amazing.  Free room and board and an unlimited supply of mama's home cooking, I still wonder sometimes how I stayed strong and resisted, even through my continually spilling tears.  As time progressed though, it started getting easier.  I was becoming more and more myself around others, laughing and joking like I did before.  I quit moping because moping sucks and no one wants to be around a DD- Debbie Downer.  It was becoming evident that I was happy, and alone, and it was perfectly ok.  People quickly responded to my positivity.

What changed was when my co-worker asked me to come hang out with a group of her friends.  This opened whole new doors for me, I started making friends!  Changed my life.  Introduced to Couch Surfing, met my first Couch Surfer.  Connected with people. I made running buddies, cycling buddies, reading buddies.  Went out to dinner, bars, the movies, dates!  I had options!

What's funny is that this is right around the time when I learned how much I cherished the time with myself.  Makes no sense, I know!  But before, it was just because I had no choice.  This time, I had options, and there were plenty of times when I chose to stay home because I was needing me time.  I became quite the expert at entertaining myself, and actually choosing to do so.  *Sigh*  I see the rainbow.  It is beautiful.

Hopefully, reaching this mile stone is just one of many more to come.  I want to continually progress at becoming a better person, in every way possible.

I've found happiness again, even in the smallest things.  Of course I still I get sad and lonely sometimes.  But it never lasts a long time, just long enough to remind me that I'm human.

Note to self:  Always make time for yourself.  Accept the fact that one day, you might be faced with the terrifying fact that you are all you have to keep company, so don't be a stranger.  You will see when you build a relationship with your own person and are happy alone, you won't have to be because people appear out of nowhere wanting to get to know that person, too.

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