Independence

On feb. 11, 1990 after 27 year imprisonment Nelson Mandela walks free. On the same day he delivers a speech declaring his commitment to peace and reconciliation, paving the way for the county's first multi-racial democratic elections. Twenty-one years later to the day, a 30-year dictatorship toppled. Egyptians walk free.  It is a good day indeed.


Over the past couple of weeks, I've been learning a lot about independence, including my very own.  It has always been something that I strived for and I took so much pride in.  I think it was my mother's fault, she always told me to never really on anyone but yourself.  I guess I took it to heart.


On this same note, I realized that my personal independence is my best, but might also be my worst enemy.  A guy friend told me recently that men tend to stay away from women like me, because we are hard to please.  Is this true?  When I meet a guy, I make it a point to talk about how independent I am, although I'm not really sure why or what I think that will accomplish..  Maybe I'm afraid that they'll think I'm one of those needy girls?  When he goes to pay for dinner, I always, and I mean ALWAYS, say that I am willing to pay for it.  One guy even told me that it was insulting...  I've thought a lot about why I do that.  I still don't think it's a self worth issue, because people have asked me whether I thought that I didn't deserve such treatment.  I just don't want the guy to feel like I'm taking advantage of his generosity...isn't that a good thing?


The fact is that I don't need a guy to buy me things because I am able to provide for myself anything that I need.  I don't need anyone to give me a roof over my head because I have my own house, and my own things.  It's not about the money or material things because I strive to live simply, for the most part, although I don't succeed very well at that sometimes ;)  However, it's just about being able to provide for myself, fully.  Apparently, I throw this in their face which turns guys off.  It baffled me.  His reasoning was that since I am in need of nothing, not only do I insult their manhood but it makes them aware that anything that they would try to do for me would never be enough to please me.  


That is where I think he is mistaken.  I said I didn't need material things, and in my opinion, material, as we know it today, should never make up any part of the driving force behind a good relationship.  


A few decades ago, people needed to find a good match for marriage because what they were able to provide for them was very important, and rightfully so.  In most places actually, this is still very prominent.  A good wife was able to cook, clean, wash clothes, and maintain a good household and raise and nurture the children because the man was out working on the farm all day.  He was working so that could make some money to have a home where all those things can take place.  This usually yielded a happy household.  Although I know they had their issues, even back then. 


I still think that some of those things are very important.  I know that the place of man and women has evolved quite significantly over the years, but I think the fundamental basis of it should still be there.  I believe that we subconsciously still look for those traits in the people we are attracted to.  What I'm really talking about though is the concept of give and take, and meeting at some kind of a happy medium.  I've worked all day on the farm harvesting delicious crops to sell, in order to have the money for you to hopefully make me supper when I get home.  In return, I get to have the energy to wake up in the morning to do it all over again.  


Actually, I think of myself as extremely easy to please.  It doesn't matter what a man does for work or how much money he makes, but I know that I look for a good work ethic.  Along those same lines, we look at things like how he treats his mother, etc.  It's quite simple really, I want nothing in return, I just want to find that happy medium.  Providing for me emotionally is more valuable that anything anyone could give me.  A sweet thought, like having a bubble bath ready for me when I get home would be amazing.  Actually, that's all I want.  A freaking bath, dagnabbit!


That was the most important component that was missing in my previous relationship.  The fact that I'm independent does not mean that I am not emotionally in need.  He took, took, and took some more because I love to give.  I provided for him financially, physically, and emotionally.  He failed me at my most vulnerable, and emotional time in need and left.  I failed in a lot of ways too, don't get me wrong.  I guess that is where part of my power woman attitude comes from.  I've had to rely on myself so much because relying on anyone else left me disappointed time and time again, and with no bubble bath in sight.. 


Ladies and gentlemen, that's a long time to go without a bath ;)  Now I make my own baths, and myself thanks me very graciously.  


Note to self:  Perhaps I should refrain from singing the independent song to guys and just let them come to that conclusion themselves.  I wouldn't want to insult anyone's manhood, after all.