Saturday, September 26

Transformation: Thank you for letting him go

I have been inspired by a very beautiful friend who told me a story about why she felt led to nurture a genuine relationship with her husband's former wife. 

Let me tell you, I hate myself for writing this and maybe even more for sharing it.  I have been cursed (or blessed, depending on how you look at it) with a thirst for honesty and this is something that has been on my heart.  As my mother battles "insert the c word here" and going through some of the hardest times that we have as a family, the fine line between life and death has become much too real for me.  I don't want to wait until something happens because then it would be too late.  I want to do it while things are still good, while the power of forgiveness lives in us forever.


"Why did you choose me?" I asked my husband.

A few months ago, for the first time since I have known my darling dream love of a man who is my husband, I came across some photos of his ex-fiancĂ© on social media through mutual friends.  Up until that time, besides the photos that I made up of her in my mind, I had never actually seen what she looked like.

My heart sunk.  She was absolutely beautiful.  Everything, as shameful as it may be for me to say, that I didn't want her to be.  I studied that photo for what seemed like hours, the position of his hand on her waist, their smiles, their surroundings.  I felt so many things like sadness, anger, fear, worry, guilt, but mainly jealousy.  For some moments, my mind replayed memories that were not my own, the first time they met and the first time he held her hand.  Their first kiss, the first time they saw a live band and the first time they said I love you, even the day that he proposed.  I laid my head down and cried.


When I finally lifted up my head to wipe away the tears, a sparkle caught my eye.  The sparkle of the wedding ring that my love gifted to me when I turned around to find him on one knee, asking me to be his wife in that gorgeous finca in Costa Rica.  Visions of our fairytale wedding flooded the forefront of my mind.  I will never forget the look on his face when I whispered in his ear that he was going to be a father.


I have loved this man the moment that my heart saw him before my very eyes.  I tell him time and time again, if I would have met you sooner, then I would have loved you longer.  Since the beginning and to this day, our relationship has been deeply passionate, spiritual, godly, and true.  I have never questioned his love for me, but I know there had been times in the beginning of our journey together that he questioned my love for him.  For a long time, he didn't know what it was like to be truly loved I think, and maybe didn't feel worthy of true love.  But loving him is what I was put on this earth to do and it is so easy, everything I did was to show him that I was never leaving his side.  While it hurts me to the deepest part of my core to know that his past was filled with hurt, a part of me is also thankful.

Thank you for causing him pain, so that he could see how strong he is, and that I could be there to help him mend.
Thank you for teaching him about interior design, you are truly talented and so is he.
Thank you for helping him understand that people are not made to be fixed.
Thank you for keeping the ring.  While he could not afford to buy me one, his beautiful grandmother gave him her ring to give me.  I get to wear a ring that reminds us both of his precious grandfather that I never had the privilege to meet.
I know, I just know that you loved him once, and he loved you too.  I know that it goes both ways and that he hurt you too, and he is so very sorry.
I realized that in order for him to forgive you, he had to forgive himself for hurting you. 



Every time I have been in my love's hometown, I have been so scared of running into you.  What if?  What would I say?  What would I do?
I am not scared anymore.  In fact, a part of me almost hopes that I do because I want to hug you and tell you how much you are loved, and that I'm sorry too.


The thing is, my heart wants you to have what I have.  I want you to have happiness.  I want you to know hope. 
I want you to find that person that completes you, and for me, that person is Jesus.

It's not my husband.

Whew, the tears are really flowing now. 


My husband helped me find the man who would never let me down, because he said he surely would.  He helped me find the only man who can fix me when I felt broken, but he said he would be right there by my side picking up the pieces.

It wasn't the money (or lack there-of haha because med school debt duh) or status or cars or houses or things that changed me, but it was because of my husband's faith that everything about my life has been completely transformed.  I found freedom, and the greatest love that I have ever known.  For that, I am ever indebted to him and to you.

There is a saying that goes, "if you love something, let it go."  So thank you for loving him enough to let him go. 


This concludes my six month journey writing for Sakura Bloom for the Sling Diaries.  It has been an absolute privilege and honor to be a part of something so much bigger than me, and to document my family wearing the most beautiful slings in the world.  I think this adventure changed not only me, but my entire family.  I hope you too were somewhat inspired along the way, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share my heart, and for following along.

In Christ's love,
Brent, Madina, Ariella Love, and Gwendolyn Rose

4 comments:

  1. This is beautiful and so very meaningful! Thank you for writing.

    p.s. I discovered you through the VSCO film fb group & I love your work.

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    Replies
    1. Welcome darling..Thank you so much for reading Marilla, and what an incredibly beautiful name you have!
      Xoxo,
      Madina

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