Monday, May 4

The Sling Diaries Volume VI Better Together ::celebration::





 I am incredibly honored to be a part of Volume VI of The Sling Diaries by Sakura Bloom along with fourteen other mothers who I can only aspire to be like someday.  For the next six months, I will be journaling on a different theme about my journey as a mother and I hope you will follow along.  Let's inspire each other as the quote that goes something like this, "the world has enough critics, lets be encouragers."

Every time I have sat down to write, I find my mind going to a dark place and it continues to baffle me so I have been avoiding it.  Celebrations are supposed to be happy, are they not?  I will be honest with you, a part of me wants to shut off what I really want to write about and just give you the good stuff, but my husband tells me that I'm a terrible, terrible liar.  So here I am, telling you the truth, and nothing but that.

The truth is, during one of the biggest celebrations of my life in uniting in holy matrimony with the man of my dreams, who would become the father of our children, I looked around to see dear friends from adolescence, friends who my love and I made together, and the wonderful family that I was marrying into.  Nowhere in sight was there a single person from the family that raised me, the people who were supposed to love me the most.  Arabic people love to dance and they will throw a party for any reason, yet they were missing the most important party of my life.  

The darkness lifted for a while when the love for my husband and the wandering we were doing in New Zealand overshadowed any sadness that I could feel for the loss of my family. It is odd to think that the things that were making me a better person and the happiest person on this Earth could make them so unhappy, so much so that they are willing to let me go as if I never existed. We found out we were expecting our first little blessing and while I felt overwhelming joy in carrying a miracle in my belly made from the love that I shared with my husband, the darkness found a way to creep in again. For ten months, I could barely see beyond the waterfall of my tears so I hid behind a veil of sorrow, and I know it showed despite how much I tried to hide it.

While in labor, my maternal issues hindered progress and at one point, I remember yelling mama and sobbing into my husband's shoulder.  Our wonderful midwife held me in her arms and caressed me in the most maternal way, three hours later, I gave birth to our first daughter.  As a mother now it didn't matter that my own mother was not here, I bathed in the love I had for our daughter, for her father, and for God.  Through my natural births, I felt so strong to feel such powerful emotions and yet, still let them go.  Surrender into them because they will hurt so much less.  

When I surrendered into motherhood, what shifted in my soul was not what I had expected.  Instead of looking at the things that every one else needed to change for us to have a relationship again, I realized that the only change worthy of anything was the one that occurs within myself.  All I had ever known up until now was a one sided story, one of a daughter, a sister, a wife, but I finally got to see it now as a parent.

I have learned humility, responsibility, and accountability.  I have learned to ask for forgiveness even if I don't feel like I've done something wrong.  I have learned what love is capable of.  Love can move mountains, but for those who don't feel worthy of love, it can make them run in the opposite direction.  I made choices that were not congruent with the beliefs of my family, and instead of giving them grace, and time because time heals all things, I expected them to just understand and accept.  For that, I am sorry.  I have learned how truly selfish and entitled I have been.  I have learned that what we say to the ones that we love can be just as important as how we say them.

Ari Love sat on the counter top yesterday and fed me hummus on wheat thins while her sister napped on my chest and when I would ask her how much she loves her little sister, her answer is always "daddy," with a big smile.  Daddy is the standard measure of love in our house.  When I have these life changing epiphanies, I feel like my daddy in Heaven is looking at me like a proud parent at a piano recital.

So yes, maybe they missed the big parties, a wedding, a couple of births, but really, those days were just the beginning of something even more great that I know someday very soon we will all get to share and experience.  Instead of remembering why celebrations used to be a source of my sorrow, I want to look at the present and see what matters most to me is the hope that I have in reuniting with my family and introducing them to my greatest achievements.  Together, we will celebrate the every day moments with the biggest amount of love.

 *the sling in the photographs is Squares from the SHABD Shibori line provided to me by Sakura Bloom.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to work with a company that I absolutely love*

8 comments:

  1. Sweet mama, your breathtaking words and stunning photos get me as always <3 I love you and your family so my soul sister.

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    1. I don't deserve your kindness, thank you so much Alixandra. I love you and your beautiful family so much <3

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  2. With all my love and sweet feelings:)....Selma

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    1. Thank you Selma, sending you so much love xoxo

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  3. you are so stunning - inside and out. Thankful to call you friend! xo!

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    1. Kacia, I have been so blessed by you in the short time that I have known you. I am so grateful in my heart to have you as a diary sister. xoxo

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  4. Oh, Madina, your story is powerful and spoke so dearly to me. I cannot fathom the pain of that loss and it helps me to put mine in perspective. While I have parents and a family that have been with me and loved me along the way, I have mourned the loss of not having my earthly dad around while I was courting and then engaged to the man who would become my husband. He had to leave to an out of state ministry to receive major mental help. I also mourn the fact that 9 months after my own blessed marriage began, my mom and dad divorced. To be a witness of a broken marriage as I began my own was deeply and intensely painful. What I imagined was going to be a first year of joy as I began my new life with the man I love ended up feeling like something very dear and precious to me just died. So, in a small way, I understand your pain in not having that *dream* or wish of having all be well in a time of new beginnings/celebrations. It comforts me to read your story, to be reminded that this life is not about having the "perfect" and well-put-together life, but it's about awakening to and coming closer to the Father's heart through all the sorrows we face. Love is worth it all. Blessings to you and your family!

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    1. There's so much that I want to say and so many feelings that I am feeling right now. I am so so glad that you are able to relate to me kindred friend, because your story here helps me know that i can relate to you as well. I cannot even begin to fathom what that must have felt like, to see a love between your mother and father fall apart. Goodness, I am in tears just thinking about that. What you got from my story is exactly what I was hoping I was bringing across, and it's that any pain or sorrow that we have to endure in this life is worth it if it means it will bring us closer to our precious Savior. In times when I didn't know who to lean on, I leaned on Him, I took my frustrations out on Him and I've made it this far to the point where I realized that I needed to stop making this all about me. It was truly a humbling day. I hope your father is well now. One of the things that I am most grateful for is that the greatest example of love that we have is the one that is shown through Christ. I've realized that we are blessed to have something so beautiful to use for the blueprint of our marriage, and not that of our parents because they are just as imperfect as we are. Sending you love and prayers and thank you so much for blessing me with your words tonight before I lay my head to sleep. xoxo

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